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Friday, February 11, 2011

Let's talk about sex, baby...

And by sex I mean poop.  And by poop I do not mean scat fetishes during intercourse!
Just so we're clear, ya know.

Kids are gross, pooping machines.  I was never really bothered by the prospect of changing diapers when I discovered I was pregnant with Afton, because I knew it was something that just could not be avoided.  Rudy, however, gagged and threw up many upon many times, because he is more of a girl than...a girl?  I'd say myself, but for those who know me, know that I am not very girly.  So I make a bad example.

This past week I've dealt with an influx of violent, sick vomit, choking on food vomit, diarrhea, diarrhea and more diarrhea.  I think my stomach has turned into a steel box of non-effectedness from all the disgusting stuff that's been coming out of my kids.  Oh yeah, and then there was the whole Delaney decides to eat a poop diaper thing.  Freaking gross.

So last night Delaney wakes up and starts crying at about 545am.  I get up, prepare a bottle and the moment I open the door to the girls room I am assaulted, literally, by the most foul smell ever.  I figure immediately that Delaney had blown out another diarrhea diaper so I collect my diaper-changing gear and set out to remedy the problem.  Within about five seconds I realize the problem isn't Delaney.

Did a cat shit in here?  I start looking around, wondering if I accidentally trapped Fizzle or Spaz in the room, but no cats are visible.  Or cat poop.  So now what?

Then I see Afton, thumb in her mouth, staring at me.  She says Hi Mommy!  And then proceeds to smack the blanket and say Ah Poopy?  Ah Poopy?  Yes, Afton I would agree with that assessment, it sure does smell like poopy.  So I walk over to her and remove the blanket...

And I pretty much instantly died.  Seriously, it was as though she had opened the front of her diaper, vomitted in it, and then closed it, then smashed it with a fist.  There was poop all over the sheets and the comforter and all over Afton.  And it was the consistency and color of chunky vomit.  It.Was.HORRIBLE.  I had to toss Afton in the bathtub and strip off the diaper and pour bucket after bucket of water over her to wash it all off.  And then I had to go scrape the bed off myself, because I knew Rudy would never survive seeing that disaster (I am so loving to spare him, don't you think?).  I did, however, make him come strip all the bedding afterwards and put on a new sheet and comforter.

These kids need to stop with the pooping already!  Not even I have this much trouble with pooping, and I'm a champion of GI disorders.  Jeez.  I think the smell has burned itself permanently into my nasal cavities.

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luvmyevyn said...

Oh icky. I'm happy and hope I don't curse myself for saying this but in my almost seven years of parenting I have been blessed and have not had the luxury of dealing with a nuclear explosion of poo. If it was to happen, I would be adding a nice collection of puke along with it. Oh yuck. And to cover up the raunchy smell, you need the Scentsy lady.. delicious!

Karly said...

Ha ha ha, you ARE a lucky duck! And I will definitely be getting some Scentsy to keep things smelling nice!

cynthia said...

OMG. I read your previous post before reading this one and was kind of hoping for .... you know ... a happy story. For your sake more than mine. You are a rock being able to handle all of this! Stay healthy.

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